Wednesday, March 11, 2009
This blog is a continuation of http://new-zandile.blogspot.com. I explain there why I've moved here.
Here we are, a new space, a new year (well, newish anyway). I'm in a new home, with a new family. Let's see if I can boil it down . . . . relationship with my sweetie has continued to grow and blossom and mature. I got laid off from my job in November. Decided to cut my losses and moved a week later (thanks to a very understanding landlord, I broke my lease amicably and he was able to re-rent it in December). Moved to the 'burbs and let my boyfriend take me and my son in. It was a difficult decision, it is a move we had discussed making sometime in mid 2009, after my lease was done, after pesky details like the finalization of my divorce, after my son had more time to adjust to the whole concept. But with 2 weeks notice on my job and a very tight budget I leaped. There has been a lot of leaping over the past year.
Had some interviews but nobody's hiring, it's slow all around. Started my own firm, began reinventing myself AGAIN professionally. I'm excited about the vision I have for my business, about the niche I'm carving for myself. But I'm now at the point where that initial creative energy has burned down a bit and the lack of income is painful. There is potential all around me just simmering but not quite taking off yet. So I'm not self-sufficient at the moment which is very hard to swallow. And my divorce still isn't final which is also hard to swallow. We've filed settlement documents and we have a final hearing scheduled for April 27. I'm marking down the days. The process has continued to be more painful than I could have imagined (I know, right? But I thought we were different, and I still don't understand why he feels the way he says he does, but then there's the root of the problem, right?)
So 2008 was a year of leaps I would have thought were impossible a year or two before. Becoming fit. Running. Separating. Changing practice areas. Falling in love. Falling in love with life again. Shacking up. Starting a business. Regaining my weight and the pain that goes with it. Each leap has been exhilarating, energizing, eye-opening. But each landing has jarred me a bit. Sometimes more than a bit. With each landing I've become a little more scattered, I've felt some pieces flying off of me, just out of reach. I feel like a nebula, walking around with my edges indistinct, bits of cosmic dust dislodged and spinning aimlessly around my core.
I'm ready to gather now. To pull all of me back into me. Focus. Not so much focusing my energy, just pulling my being into focus. So my edges become clear again. So I can SEE where I begin and where I end. So I know what I look like and who I am. So I can become solid and shine bright. A new star in this new constellation.
Physically I know what I need to do. I also know, that if I can get the physical pieces in place, the mental will follow. When my body feels good my soul will want to spend more time in the moment with it.
Stay tuned . . .