Friday, March 20, 2009

Starting over

I'm writing this from a leather recliner in my mother's living room in North Carolina. My body from the waist down is a mosaic of aches and creaks. I went for a run today. For the first time in a VERY long time. Other than running a few feet here and there in play with my son I really don't think I've run any significant distance since my attempt at the ING Half a YEAR ago. I haven't used my Garmin Forerunner since then, when I turned it on this morning it popped up with the stats from my last run, 13.1 miles in 3 hours and 42 minutes (see my old blog for a play by play of my 15K + 4 mile death march).

I'm disgusted with myself lately. I know that's not positive self talk. Whatever, it is where I am. I look in the mirror and I'm having that old familiar disconnect. I can't believe the fat I see and the pain I feel is really part of me. So I cover up with some clothes and go sit in front of the tv and eat a muffin to stop thinking about it. The old back pain is chronic again, not the pain from the injury last year, just the old ache in the small of my back that comes from lugging my overly top and front heavy form around. I'm back to that reality check I had 18 months ago. If pain is a foregone conclusion, why avoid exercising?

I broke down and bought a pair of jeans yesterday. I've been resisting for months. I grew out of my size 12's in December. I had one size 14 that I hadn't thrown out last year so I've been wearing them exclusively since then. I couldn't bring myself to buy any more size 14's, the 12's sit on the shelf in my closet and glare at me balefully. They do, honest.

But when you wear and wash and wear and wash the same pair of jeans over and over for 3 months, they start to fall apart, literally. There are holes on the insides of both of my thighs. I kinda wanted to try rock climbing with Chase when we were at the Huntsville Space museum on his cub scout trip a few weeks ago but I couldn't because I'd have been flashing peeks at my inner thighs to all the cub scout dads who were watching. Ugh. So, I bought a cheap pair of size 14's yesterday.

It is the first day of Spring. The weather is gorgeous here in NC, sunny but fresh and breezy at the same time. So I strapped on the Garmin. Reset it to remove the stats from a year ago, and headed down my mom's driveway. I set a goal of 2 miles in 4/1 intervals (run 4 minutes, walk 1 minute). It hurt. I had a hard time breathing. I felt like every footfall had about 8000 lbs behind it. I felt my gut and my chest and my big juicy ass rising and falling like they were sandbags strapped to my "true" body with every step. I was NOT graceful, or quick, or pretty. But I did it for 31 minutes. 2 full miles. I miscalculated and was approaching my mom's driveway on the return at only 1.78 miles. I almost went on in, figuring that was a respectable point from which I could round up and say I'd done 2. But it bugged me. And if I start this Spring short changing myself then I won't be out of these size 14 jeans (with the tummy slimming panel!) by the first day of Summer. So I looped up and down the road in front of my mom's house until that magic 2.00 came up on the Garmin.

In many ways I feel like I'm starting over. But unlike the first day of bootcamp 18 months ago, I know the way now. I remember how worth it those scenic vistas will be as I ascend this hill that I somehow have stumbled down over the last year.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009


This blog is a continuation of I explain there why I've moved here.

Here we are, a new space, a new year (well, newish anyway). I'm in a new home, with a new family. Let's see if I can boil it down . . . . relationship with my sweetie has continued to grow and blossom and mature. I got laid off from my job in November. Decided to cut my losses and moved a week later (thanks to a very understanding landlord, I broke my lease amicably and he was able to re-rent it in December). Moved to the 'burbs and let my boyfriend take me and my son in. It was a difficult decision, it is a move we had discussed making sometime in mid 2009, after my lease was done, after pesky details like the finalization of my divorce, after my son had more time to adjust to the whole concept. But with 2 weeks notice on my job and a very tight budget I leaped. There has been a lot of leaping over the past year.

Had some interviews but nobody's hiring, it's slow all around. Started my own firm, began reinventing myself AGAIN professionally. I'm excited about the vision I have for my business, about the niche I'm carving for myself. But I'm now at the point where that initial creative energy has burned down a bit and the lack of income is painful. There is potential all around me just simmering but not quite taking off yet. So I'm not self-sufficient at the moment which is very hard to swallow. And my divorce still isn't final which is also hard to swallow. We've filed settlement documents and we have a final hearing scheduled for April 27. I'm marking down the days. The process has continued to be more painful than I could have imagined (I know, right? But I thought we were different, and I still don't understand why he feels the way he says he does, but then there's the root of the problem, right?)

So 2008 was a year of leaps I would have thought were impossible a year or two before. Becoming fit. Running. Separating. Changing practice areas. Falling in love. Falling in love with life again. Shacking up. Starting a business. Regaining my weight and the pain that goes with it. Each leap has been exhilarating, energizing, eye-opening. But each landing has jarred me a bit. Sometimes more than a bit. With each landing I've become a little more scattered, I've felt some pieces flying off of me, just out of reach. I feel like a nebula, walking around with my edges indistinct, bits of cosmic dust dislodged and spinning aimlessly around my core.

I'm ready to gather now. To pull all of me back into me. Focus. Not so much focusing my energy, just pulling my being into focus. So my edges become clear again. So I can SEE where I begin and where I end. So I know what I look like and who I am. So I can become solid and shine bright. A new star in this new constellation.

Physically I know what I need to do. I also know, that if I can get the physical pieces in place, the mental will follow. When my body feels good my soul will want to spend more time in the moment with it.

Stay tuned . . .